When sex hurts: a subject too often silenced
You are not alone. According to several European studies, between 10 and 20% of women regularly experience pain during sexual intercourse—and men are not spared either, even if the subject is addressed even more rarely for them. Dyspareunia (the medical term for pain during intercourse) is one of the most common... and silent intimate health concerns.
Why silent? Because shame, the fear of seeming "abnormal," or simply a lack of information mean that many people suffer in silence, space out their encounters, or avoid them altogether. In doing so, they deprive themselves not only of pleasure but also of an essential dimension of their emotional and relational well-being.
This article is not a substitute for medical advice—if you experience persistent pain, consult a doctor, gynecologist, or sexologist. But there is an angle too often ignored in these conversations: certain sex toys, oils, and accessories can play a concrete and supportive role in managing pain and reclaiming pleasure. Here is how, and why.
Understanding the most common causes of pain during intercourse
Before talking about solutions, it is essential to understand where the pain comes from. The causes are multiple and often combined:
For women
- Vaginal dryness: linked to menopause, hormonal contraception, stress, or insufficient arousal. This is the #1 cause of pain during intercourse for women of all ages.
- Vaginismus: involuntary contraction of the pelvic floor muscles that makes any penetration painful or even impossible.
- Vulvodynia / vestibulodynia: chronic pain at the vaginal entrance, often without an identifiable organic cause.
- Endometriosis: tissue similar to the endometrium that develops outside the uterus, causing deep pain during intercourse.
- Recurrent infections (yeast infections, vaginosis) that weaken the mucous membranes.
- Postpartum or post-surgical scars that alter tissue elasticity.
For men
- Phimosis: a foreskin that is too tight, causing pain during erection or penetration.
- Prostatitis: inflammation of the prostate leading to pelvic pain or pain during ejaculation.
- Pain in the penis linked to skin conditions or painful erections (Peyronie's disease).
Psychological and relational factors
Sexual pain is rarely solely physical. Performance anxiety, past trauma, tension in the relationship, or simply the anticipatory fear of pain create a vicious cycle: you anticipate pain, your muscles tense up, lubrication decreases, and the pain sets in. Breaking this cycle often requires a progressive and compassionate approach—this is precisely where certain tools can help.
The concrete role of sex toys in pain management
Sex toys are not gadgets reserved for people in perfect sexual health. Used appropriately, they can be true therapeutic allies. Here are the mechanisms at play:
1. Encouraging arousal before penetration
One of the most common and underestimated causes of pain is simply insufficient arousal before penetration. When the body is not sufficiently aroused, natural lubrication is lacking, vaginal tissues have not expanded enough (the "tenting" phenomenon that widens the vaginal canal), and the muscles remain contracted.
Vibrators, clitoral stimulators, and other toys intended for foreplay allow these moments of bodily awakening to be extended and enriched without pressure toward penetration. This can radically transform the experience.
2. Progressive desensitization in cases of vaginismus
Vaginismus is often treated with vaginal dilators—progressive tools that allow the brain and muscles to "relearn" that presence inside the vagina is not dangerous. Certain small, ergonomically shaped plugs can play a similar role in a gentle self-therapy approach, ideally in conjunction with follow-up from a healthcare professional.
It is with this in mind that plugs like the Fun Factory Bootie Small Anal Plug were designed, whose progressive shape and soft medical-grade silicone material allow for very gradual insertion. Although intended for anal use, its principle of progressive desensitization is the same. The Fun Factory range also offers the Bootie Fem in violet, specially designed for female anatomy, with a thin neck and a secure base.
3. Strengthening the pelvic floor to reduce chronic pain
A pelvic floor that is too weak or, conversely, too tight can be a source of significant pain during intercourse. Kegel balls (also known as Ben Wa balls) are recognized by many pelvic floor physical therapists as an effective tool for working on pelvic muscle tone.
Studies have shown that regular Kegel exercises performed with Kegel balls can significantly reduce symptoms of mild to moderate vaginismus, improve natural lubrication, and decrease certain penetration pains. The shop's Kegel ball collection offers several options adapted to different levels:
- The B Swish Bfit Classic Flex 28g balls are ideal for beginners, with a light weight and a very forgiving flexible shape.
- The Bfit Classic Flex 38g balls offer a slight progression for those wishing to intensify muscle work gently.
- For variety, the violet or yellow versions are available in different colors for the same comfort.
Important: if you suffer from a hypertonic (too tight) pelvic floor, Kegel exercises may make the situation worse. Consult a physical therapist specializing in pelvic rehabilitation before starting.
Oils and gels: essential allies against dryness and painful friction
Vaginal dryness is, let us remember, the leading cause of pain during sexual intercourse. And it is also one of the simplest to address. Intimate massage oils and lubricants can turn a painful experience into a moment of soft and fluid pleasure.
Why intimate massage oils?
Unlike conventional lubricants applied directly to contact areas, intimate massage oils have the advantage of preparing the body beforehand: they promote local blood circulation, relax muscles, and create an atmosphere of safety and softness that reduces anticipatory anxiety—that fear of pain which can be enough to trigger it.
The shop's massage oil collection offers several adapted options:
- For a deep relaxing effect: the Slow Sex CBD Intimate Massage Oil by Bijoux Indiscrets is particularly interesting. CBD (cannabidiol) has documented anti-inflammatory and muscle-relaxing properties. Applied locally, it can help reduce pelvic muscle tension and facilitate relaxation before intercourse. It is one of the most innovative products on the market for people suffering from tension linked to stress or mild vaginismus.
- For a soft and nourishing sensation: the Vegan Coconut Massage Oil by Intt is a natural, moisturizing, and soothing option. Its vegan formula is suitable for sensitive skin.
- To warm tissues and stimulate circulation: the Eros Power Warming Vanilla Heating Oil creates a gentle warming sensation that promotes local vasodilation—which improves natural lubrication and sensitivity.
Caution: oils are not compatible with latex condoms (they deteriorate them) nor with all sex toy materials. Always check compatibility before use.
Massage oil ≠ internal lubricant
It is important to distinguish between the two: a massage oil is applied to the vulva, perineum, abdomen, and thighs—for relaxation and preparation. For internal lubrication (during penetration), it is better to use a water-based or silicone-based lubricant specifically formulated for intravaginal use. Some products, like the Slow Sex CBD oil mentioned above, are formulated for more direct intimate use—always read the instructions.
Adapting sexual practices to bypass or reduce pain
Beyond products, pain during intercourse often invites us to rethink how we experience sexuality. Sex toys can act as facilitators for new practices here.
Shift pleasure away from penetration
One of the most important revolutions in understanding female sexuality in recent decades is the recognition that 70 to 80% of women do not reach orgasm through penetration alone. For many women suffering from dyspareunia, refocusing sexuality around clitoral pleasure, the vulva, the breasts, and the rest of the body—without penetration or with gentle, optional penetration—can completely transform the experience.
Clitoral vibrators, pressure wave stimulators, and couples' toys allow for a fully satisfying sexuality without putting penetration at the center.
For couples who wish to maintain penetration despite the pain
Some couples face pain linked to male erectile issues, where insufficient erection creates uncomfortable friction for both partners. In this case, solutions like stimulating creams and gels can help maintain a firmer erection, making intercourse more comfortable. The Intimateline Luxuria Erex Power Stimulating Cream or the Excite Power Gel are options to explore in this context.
Exploring new anatomies and configurations
For lesbian couples or people wishing to explore penetration without a penis, strap-ons allow total control over depth, speed, and angle—which can be fundamental for people suffering from deep pain (such as in endometriosis). The strap-on collection offers models adapted to different body types and needs.
FAQ: your questions about pain and sex toys
Can using sex toys make the pain worse?
If used incorrectly or if they are of poor quality, yes. A sex toy that is too large, too rigid, used without lubricant, or without sufficient preparation can irritate tissues and aggravate a painful situation. The golden rule: start small, go slow, always use an appropriate lubricant, and choose safe materials (medical-grade silicone, ABS, medical-grade glass). Avoid toys made of PVC or non-certified porous materials.
Can sex toys replace medical treatment?
No. They can complement care, facilitate exercises recommended by a professional (such as pelvic rehabilitation), or improve your daily intimate life. But persistent pain always deserves a medical consultation. Gynecologists, general practitioners, sexologists, pelvic physical therapists—these professionals are your first point of contact.
Are Kegel balls really useful against pain?
For pain linked to a lack of pelvic floor tone, yes. Clinical studies have shown that Kegel exercises with resistance (such as with Kegel balls) improve lubrication, reduce certain penetration pains, and increase sensitivity. But again: if your pelvic floor is already too tight (hypertonicity), these exercises are contraindicated.
Is CBD oil for intimate use effective?
Research on CBD applied locally in a sexual context is still emerging, but promising. Several preliminary studies and many clinical testimonials report a reduction in muscle tension and improved comfort during intercourse. The Slow Sex CBD Oil by Bijoux Indiscrets is one of the few options available on the French market formulated specifically for intimate use.
Which positions reduce pain during intercourse?
Positions that allow the person being penetrated to control the depth and rhythm (such as being on top) are generally less painful. Avoid positions that allow for very deep penetration if you suffer from deep pain. Using a pillow under the hips can also change the angle and reduce pressure on the cervix or prostate.
Does vaginal dryness only affect menopausal women?
No. Vaginal dryness can affect women of all ages: contraceptive pill users (which reduces estrogen), breastfeeding women, people on certain antidepressants, and women under intense stress. It is also common after childbirth. If you recognize yourself in this, know that it is common, treatable, and you do not have to suffer.
Creating a ritual of softness: the often-forgotten key
Beyond products and techniques, sexual pain is often exacerbated by pressure and haste. Creating a preparation ritual—a moment for yourself or as a couple—can make a considerable difference.
A warm bath, a massage with a heating oil like Light My Fire by Bijoux Indiscrets, soft music, the absence of pressure toward penetration... These elements seem minor, but they profoundly change the body's chemistry. Relaxation activates the production of local estrogen, reduces cortisol (the stress hormone that causes pelvic muscles to contract), and promotes natural lubrication.
The Bubblegum Play Kit by Bijoux Indiscrets (including oil, gel, and gloss) is a great way to turn this ritual into a playful and sensory moment, with no goal other than shared pleasure.
Sexuality is not a performance. It is a conversation between two bodies—or between you and yourself. And sometimes, the best therapy is simply to slow down, trust yourself, and give yourself permission to take care of yourself.
Conclusion: reclaiming pleasure, one step at a time
Pain during sexual intercourse is real, frequent, and, in the majority of cases, improvable or even resolvable. It deserves to be taken seriously—by yourself, by your partner, and by the healthcare professionals you consult.
The sex toys, oils, and accessories we have just covered are not magic solutions. However, when used intelligently, gently, and progressively, they can:
- Improve lubrication and reduce painful friction
- Strengthen and relax the pelvic floor
- Gradually desensitize painful areas
- Shift the focus of pleasure from penetration to other forms of intimacy
- Create a gentle ritual that breaks the vicious cycle of fear and pain
Every body is different. What works for one person will not necessarily work for another. Exploration — curious, patient, and kind — is your best ally.
Ready to explore? Discover our full selection of sex toys, intimate massage oils, and yoni eggs — all carefully selected to combine pleasure, quality, and kindness toward your body.
A gentle reminder: if your pain is intense, recurring, or accompanied by other symptoms (bleeding, unusual discharge, fever), please consult a healthcare professional. This article is for informational purposes only and does not replace medical advice in any way.
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